Forgiveness

Before we talk about how, we've got to clear the biggest lie off the trail. The lie sounds like this: "If I forgive them, I'm saying what they did was okay."

Forgiveness doesn't mean you're okay with what they did. Not by any means. Forgiveness isn't the removal of guilt for that person. It's removing yourself from the prison of hate. Forgiveness doesn't mean you're going to repair the relationship. Just because you forgive somebody doesn't mean you have to bring them back into your life like nothing happened. And forgiveness does not absolve them of the responsibility for what they did. So what is it? Forgiveness doesn't really have anything to do with the other person. It only has to do with setting you free. It's about you, not them.

Let me put it in ranch terms. If I had a dog that bit my son, I could forgive that dog. But that doesn't mean I'm going to leave him alone with my son anymore. Folks, God gave us a brain, did he not? If somebody steals a bunch of money from you, you're not going to forgive them and then go put them on the signature card for your checking account. Restoring the relationship and forgiving are two different things.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget. Forgiveness doesn't mean you now believe what someone did was okay. Forgiveness doesn't mean that a relationship must be repaired. Forgiveness means you will no longer shackle yourself to a past situation that you can do nothing about, but rather you choose to spread your wings and fly into a future you can. No man can serve two masters. One can live, or one can hate. The choice is ours.

Yesterday I cleared the lie off the trail: forgiving doesn't mean it was okay. Today I want to talk about what carrying it is costing you. Because that grudge you've got ain't costing them a thing.

There's a silent killer out there. There's no blood test for it. No MRI can spot it, only the effects. It affects nearly all of us on some level and it is completely curable, but not without pain and effort. This silent killer is what I call wormwood. In other words, bitterness. Bitterness consumes us like a cancer. It infiltrates our thoughts, infests our hearts, and ravages our relationships. But unlike cancer, it's not a disease, it's a choice. The symptoms can vary. It may look like holding grudges, low self-esteem, bullying, a bad attitude, depression, narcissism, or gossiping. But there is a cure. It can be painful, the most painful thing to be exact. But with that, it is the most powerful thing ever created. It's called love. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. To choose love is to choose power. Bitterness infects the weak. But even they can be made strong by letting go of the thing that is causing them to be sick.

Driving home one night, I asked my wife the scariest question ever. "Is there anything you can see about me that holds me back from living the kind of life you know I am capable of?" She intertwined her fingers in mine and said, "You take things way too personal. Most of the things people say and do is a reflection of something wrong with them, not you. When you take something personal, you take responsibility for their junk. You get caught in their wire and it's you that suffers, not them." And there it was, my biggest problem. I realized that I secretly waited for, and wanted, an apology from them. During prayer, I heard this statement: "Quit waiting for, or expecting, an apology. Nobody owes you anything and you don't need it."

Where you find unforgiveness, you find a man that has taken something personal. And where you find a man that has taken something personal, you find a broken man living in a prison of his own making. Any weak man can carry a grudge, but it takes a man of strength to drop one.

Our life is like a boat on the ocean. Just because somebody is an idiot and does something doesn't mean you have to lug it around in the hull of your ship. Because before too long, guess what? You're sinking.

Yesterday I showed you the prison. Today I'm going to hand you the key, and it's probably not what you think. The strength to forgive doesn't come from gritting your teeth. You cannot give something that you have not received. So before we talk about forgiving them, we've got to talk about you.

No matter how bad you've messed up, God is not mad at you. God isn't mad at you, he misses you. And here's why that matters: you can't allow yourself to be loved by someone that you think is mad at you.

There's a cowboy I admire totally, a heck of a cowboy. He told me one time, "Preacher, I sure love your messages, but you just don't understand the life I used to lead. I don't think God can forgive me."

I said, "I want you to close your eyes."

He said, "No."

I said, "I'm not going to sucker punch you. Close your eyes." He closed them. I said, "Picture Jesus up on that cross. Nailed to it. Beaten beyond recognition. You got him pictured?"

"Yeah."

"Now walk up to that cross. Look up at him. Can you see him?"

"Yeah."

"Now tell him that wasn't enough. Because that's what you're saying. Jesus, I know you were beaten. I know you lived a perfect life. I know you died for my sins. But what you went through wasn't enough."

He said, "I can't do that."

I said, "Then accept the forgiveness."

Tears started running down that tough cowboy's face.

A lot of people say, "I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself." Let me show you what that statement is really doing. That is like walking up to the cross Jesus is hanging on, dying for your sin, and saying, "God, I appreciate you sending your son to die for me and forgive my sins. But it wasn't enough, because my sin is bigger than his sacrifice." That's what is going on in your soul when you won't let it go.

One time driving down a dirt road, I felt like God said, "That's why you like dirt roads, because you can't see behind you." Don't worry about what's behind you. I love the fact that God said, "I will remember your sins no more." If he's going to forget your sins, why are you spending so much time trying to remember?

I have a bad habit of beating myself up over stuff that I can no longer do anything about. I would rather hold onto guilt than God's promise. If that's you too, the next time you start beating yourself up, say this: God let it go so I will too. Remember, no one ever grew closer to God by beating themselves up.

You know now what forgiving isn't, what carrying the grudge costs, and where the strength comes from. Today is the how. I'm not going to hand you theory. I'm going to hand you the three things I do, the words to say, and then I'm going to tell you about two men, because I don't teach anything I haven't had to live.

Let me give you three ways to help you learn how to forgive. The first thing is prayer. Ask God to help you forgive, because it is by his power that we forgive other people, not by our own. The second thing is to ask God to bless them while you're at it. Just say, "God, you know what, whatever they need, give it to them. As a matter of fact, bless them with more than they need, God, because obviously they need you." The third thing is to acknowledge that you're a sinner just like they are. You ain't no better than that person right next to you. Then receive. Receive the forgiveness that Jesus offers, and pass it on.

And when it comes back, because it will come back: every time you feel that cell door closing, every time you feel that hate and that bitterness welling up inside you, you say, "Father, I forgive them. And I ask you to forgive them too." And it will be some of the hardest words you've ever uttered in your entire life.

One more hard thing, because I told you on day one that forgiving doesn't mean you have to restore the relationship. That's true. But here's the other side of that coin: if reconciliation is not the goal, then the sin is yours. The goal is to be pards again.

Back when this ministry was just getting started, there was a guy that tried to destroy it. He accused me of animal cruelty. He posted stuff all over. He called the cops on me. It was a horrible situation. And I'll be honest with you, I'm kind of a fist fighter. About the time this preacher wanted to punch somebody in the mouth, God reached in, took a hold of my ear, and said, "You act like I tell you to act. And I said to bless your enemies."

So right then and there, with him screaming and hollering in my mind, I asked God: "God, I want you to fill this man's life. Bless him financially. Bless him physically. Bless him emotionally. Bless him spiritually. Bless his household. Bless his work. Bless his family. Bless every interaction." I'm telling you, I nearly bit my tongue in half as I was praying silently. But I did it. I did not seek revenge. People were calling me: "Hey man, is this true? This dude's saying all these bad things." I said, "It ain't none of your business, brother." Because God had also told me: you can either defend yourself, or you can let God defend you. There were horrible things being said about me, lies and all of it. But every single day, I continued to bless him. And to this day, I am still asking God to bless that man.

It was like at that moment, this ministry took off. Because I turned it all over to God. And I'm not saying it was easy. It's not. You've got somebody in your life just like that, and if you don't have one now, you will. You've just got to say, "God, I'm going to give you control of this, because I'm just going to bless them. You know how to handle them a lot better than me getting angry and taking that stuff inside."

One more. I had a double wide on my ranch at Coyanosa. It was the house where I gave my life to Christ. Later on, there was a family staying in it. A man, his wife, and his two kids, and his wife and kids were home when it caught fire. It started from a new dryer plug that shorted out. I knew it was an accident. But he was the one staying in that house, and in his mind that made it his fault. He felt guilty about it. So Save the Cowboy took up a love offering. It came to five thousand dollars, and I took it down to him. I told him, "You use this on your kids. Replace those Xboxes. It ain't those kids' fault." And he said, "Man, I burned your house down, and now you're buying my kids Xboxes." I said, "That's what we do."

Last day, pard. You know what forgiveness isn't. You know what the grudge costs you. You know where the strength comes from, and you know the how. Today I'm going to hand you the whole thing in one message, because there's one stage of this we haven't touched yet, and it's the hardest one of all.

Peter asked Jesus, "Boss, should we forgive people seven times?" And Jesus answered, "Seventy times seven." There should never be a reason for unforgiveness.

It's in the realm of possibility just to let things go when it's not personal. And we've all been faced with forgiving someone who has wronged us. Sometimes we've even been successful. But here's the big but. Can you forgive someone that has hurt someone you love? That right there is the third stage of being set free, and it is the most difficult one of all, bar none. Because I can guarantee you, when somebody does something to someone you love, they don't deserve your forgiveness. They may not even want your forgiveness. What if they don't even care? Can you do it anyway?

Jesus, after being beaten beyond all recognition, after being spit on, a crown of thorns shoved onto his head, nailed to a cross and lifted up, said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." And you know what God did? He did as his son asked. He forgave the ones that were killing his son. His one and only son.

Are you able to forgive someone that has hurt someone you loved? A lot of us are prisoners to it. Set yourself free today by forgiving them.

I preached this whole ride in one message. It's called The Three Stages of Freedom. Watch it here.